HEADLINE ROUND-UP! "HI. MY NAME IS LUKE. JAIL IS GONNA BE REAL HARD ON ME." NEVERENDING PARADE OF IDIOT SCUMBAGS! Say hello to alleged mailbox bomber Luke J. Helder, the hard-rockin' Minnesota college student whom authorities suspect planted eighteen pipe bombs - and some ridiculous philosophy - in mailboxes across five western states this week. That's him over there on the right. So far, six people have sustained minor injuries in this bizarre case of Domestic Terrorism Lite. But though it be lite, the terror be no less real. Roberto Martinez, who discovered an unexploded device in his rural roadside mailbox in Amarillo, Texas, declared: "I'm afraid. I'm not going to check the mailbox no more." Wow... what a pussy. Described as "an intelligent young man with strong family ties," Helder was captured by Nevada police only eight hours after the FBI issued an all-points bulletin for his arrest. Upon learning his son was a suspect, Luke's father Cameron issued a public statement: "I really want you to know that Luke is not a dangerous person. […except for when he puts pipe-bombs in mailboxes. - Jerky] I think he's just trying to make a statement about the way our government is run. […or he realized he didn't have the talent to make it in the music industry, so he decided to leave his mark the only way he knew how. - Jerky] I think Luke wants people to listen to his ideas, and not enough people are hearing him, and he thinks this may help. […or maybe Fight Club made him do it. Or marijuana. Or Rainbow Six: Rogue Spear. I mean, seriously… who gives a fuck why he did it?! - Jerky]" One interesting side-note to this whole sorry spectacle was the public humiliation of famous FBI "profiler" Clint Van Zandt. Yer old pal Jerky has always viewed the profession of "profiling" - wherein specially trained officers extrapolate all sorts of facts about a suspect from the flimsiest shreds of evidence - as being little better than voodoo. This week, Van Zandt was called in to create of "profile" of the mailbox bomber. His conclusion? That the bomber had to be "an older person," because he had used the phrase "attention getter" in his rambling notes. Even yer old pal Jerky, with his total lack of training in the police sciences, could have told them only a very young man could have written that kind of nonsense with such hormonal conviction. One hopes this "profiling" crap isn't given too much weight in our nation's courts of law. *** *** *** Sure, putting pipe bombs in mailboxes is wrong and stupid, but is it evil? Maybe, maybe not. One thing is for sure, though… if the cops are after you for knocking over a pizza place, and they drive up to your home and sic a police dog on you, and as a distraction you throw down your eighteen month old son, then scoot your boots the hell away from there… that's evil. Therefore, using the incredible powers of "logic," you'd pretty much have to agree that Terell Joseph Green of Florida, is evil, cuz he did exactly that. Luckily, the dog was smarter than Terell, and decided to stick with the original plan, choosing to eschew the juicy baby in order to chew on the bad guy, who now sits stewing behind bars where he belongs. GOOD DOGGY! American soldiers on leave from the War on Terror have been wearing out the working women of Australia's brothels ever since American warships docked at Perth, according to a report in The West Australian. In fact, the influx of business has been so constant that the notorious Langtrees brothel in Perth has had to close its doors for only the third time in eight years. The Madame of the house says she understands the sailors are stressed out from being at sea for so long, but defends her decision to shut her doors, declaring: "I would not sell a man a hamburger if I thought my buns were stale. I have always offered a quality service. If that level of service is not being offered because the girls say they are too tired, then I'll close the doors. I don't care if it's a Yank's money, your money or Joe Blogg's money, everyone deserves value for their dollar." Hmmm... these Aussie prostitutes sound like some real nice people. Maybe it's time yer old pal Jerky got off his ass and started putting together that long-planned Australian tour!

ON THIS DAY! May 8 Thomas Pynchon, one of America's greatest post-war novelists, was born in Long Island on this day in 1937. Of his major works, V. is an impressive arrival, The Crying of Lot 49 is a stone hoot, Gravity's Rainbow is an encyclopaedic, mind-bending masterpiece, Vineland is a hippy's delight, and Mason & Dixon defies description (mostly because I haven't read it yet). Pychon remains the only person to ever have a Pulitzer Prize taken back from him after the Grand Poo-Bahs decided their panel of judges should never have rewarded such an "unreadable" and "obscene" work of literature. This, of course, was the highest possible compliment those decrepit old fools could have paid it. Also born on this day, in 1911, was Robert Johnson. At some point during his early twenties, Johnson allegedly sold his soul to Satan in exchange for musical virtuosity. With a grand total of twenty-nine songs recorded during a grand total of two sessions, this Mississippi native became the progenitor - via the young working class white men of England who so loved his stuff - of the Blues as we know them... or would that be it? Whatever, man.

THEY SAID IT! "The two biggest stars in the room tonight have a lot in common. First of all, they both love their families. They both partied a little too hard when they were younger. Half the time you can't understand a word either one of them is saying. And neither one of them can make a move without their wife's approval." - Emcee Drew Carey compares Preznit Dubya to Ozzy Osbourne during his White House Correspondents' Dinner monologue. *** *** *** "Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" - So spake England's Prince Philip - the mad Greek who is, essentially, Queen Elizabeth's gigolo - upon meeting royal subject Susan Edwards during a walkabout. Edwards is blind, you see, and gets around with the help of a seeing eye dog. The Prince evidently wanted to put the sightless lass at ease with a joke. You know, of all the assholes in the Royal Family, Prince Philip is for sure the one yer old pal Jerky would like to go on a bar-crawling bender with. The guy is a fucking HOOT!

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our new pal Veeda... Tom looked over the backyard fence and admired Bill's wife while she sunbathed topless. The next day, Tom corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, "I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday." Bill was quite mad over the peeping incident and told Tom he would get revenge. That very evening, Bill noticed that Tom's bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices Tom's wife in the act of performing oral sex. The very next day Bill calls out to Tom: "Hey, Tom! I saw your wife giving you a blow-job last night." Tom replies, "Hahaha. Liar! I wasn't even home last night!" *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our old pal Truckerman... A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madame, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by a prostitute. I'm almost certain of it. One afternoon, a princess decided to go for a ride in her carriage, so she called the driver down. ''Driver! Take me for a ride,'' the princess said. ''Yes, your majesty,'' the driver replied. They get in the carriage. They're riding down the road when they happen to get a flat. He gets a crowbar and tries to pry the tire off and he can't seem to get it off. ''Damn!'' he shouts. The princess peeks out and says, ''Wanna screw-driver?'' The driver says, ''Why not? I can't get this damn tire off. So he hops in the back seat and they take off their clothes. They start going at it and the carriage begins to shake. The tire pops off and both at the same time both say, ''There we go!''

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky; In your May 6 edition of the Daily Dirt, you wrote: "Also, this day is a real bad vibes day for our neighbors to the north… on this day in 1917, the French munitions ship Mont Blanc catches fire and explodes into a huge, shrapnel-spewing fireball in Halifax harbor, killing nearly two thousand people in that relatively small port city." Well, I'm sorry to say that someone gave you bad info on this one Jerky ole pal, but the Halifax Explosion was on 6 December 1917. As a matter of fact, I have a father-in-law that managed to survive it and is still around talking about it to this day. Signed: Bobbyo Dear Bobbyo; It's even worse than that. In that very same Dirt, I also wrote: "on this day, in 1989, Mark Lepine walks into a University of Montreal engineering class, waving a rifle and screaming about feminists. He orders all the men to leave the classroom, then proceeds to shoot the 14 remaining women, one by one." Of course, Lepine's rampage also took place on December 6 - and NOT May 6 - as did the Halifax Harbor explosion. How could I have fucked up so badly TWICE on the SAME DAY, you ask? The answer is even more embarrassing than the mistakes, themselves... I gave MYSELF bad information. That's right; I was pressed for time, so I decided to use a previous Dirt's On This Day. Somehow, somewhere down the line, the May 6 and December 6 editions accidentally got mixed up with each other in the archives, leading to my fuckup. So anyway, from now on, you have Jerky's solemn word that he will no longer use his own archives as a historical research tool. Cheers, YOPJ

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TODAY'S TOPIC: A TOTAL LACK OF COMMON SENSE! Care of: schtupa@yahoo.com. Jerky, In a recent response to a Soapbox (the abortion debate), you used the phrase "common sense." I disagree. There ain't no such thing as common sense. Period. It simply does not exist. While some human experiences are fairly common within one group or another, and supposedly widely understood by members of that group, this does not constitute common sense. There are too many groups that are too diverse for there to be a common sense. Survival techniques that are supposedly common sense for Inuit natives of the polar region and surrounding environs make absolutely no sense to someone living in Guatemala. Take a native Eskimo (from any one of the many tribes) and transplant them to Central America and they will be dead in less than 2 days from snakebite or spider bite. The natives of tropical countries learn to recognize poisonous vipers and insects very quickly, or they die. To the natives of a jungle or rain forest knowing about snakes constitutes common sense. A person from Finland has no idea what a snake even looks like. (It is kinda like an eel, but it lives on the land, and it ain't slimy or slippery. Snakes vary in size from your puny manhood up to longer than three Volvos parked end to end.) If you transplant a reasonably intelligent person from the Middle East to Siberia or Mongolia in winter and you are going to wind up with a human sized ice statue in a short time. Of course I wish you good luck finding a reasonably intelligent person in the Middle East. By definition if they were reasonably intelligent they would have moved away already. Note to Jewish immigrants heading for the homeland: Think twice. Your survival depends on it. The natives of the cold countries think that knowing how to ski, how to hunt and trap the wildlife indigenious to that area, and how to make snow caves to escape from a blizzard is just common sense. But I digress. Or is that wander? [I think the word you're looking for is 'blather.' - Jerky] What is common sense for women makes practically no sense at all for men, and vice-versa. What is common sense for a parent seems entirely insane for childless people of either gender. Right now there is a small group of people on this planet who have been in outer space. They have orbited the planet in a totally weightless environment. For those people the idea of gravity is no longer common sense. They know better from practical experience. Normally, people who use the phrase common sense don't have any. (Specifically this applies to corporate executives and other immature adolescents who are frustrated when they don't get exactly what they want just precisely when they want it, and they use the phrase common sense to explain their selfish, nearsighted, and frequently destructive decisions.) It seems to me that you were just being lazy, or you were using cultural shorthand when you used the phrase common sense. Or you just wanted to kick over the ant hill and watch the reaction. Keep up the good work. Schtupa [Common sense tells me you've been reading too much continental philosophy... or, more likely, soaking up second-hand wisdom from someone else who has done so. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com