DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS BITS AND PIECES Thank Godzilla for foreign policy gurus like Zbignew "Alphabits" Brzezinski, without whose words of wisdom we never would have noticed that the build-up to the now-inevitable U.S. strike on Iran has been "eerily reminiscent" of the run-up to the invasion of Iraq. Good eye there, Zbiggy. The first "hybrid" motorcycle is actually pretty impressive looking. Very aerodynamic. Fast and bulbous, like a tin teardrop. Nice. The sad thing about this "Billion dollar Cheney" animation is that Alice Cooper is now a Dubya-supporting, born-again Christian, golf-enthusiast asshole. Irony heaped upon irony. Still, the cartoon's pretty good. Here's another good one for ya; a final parting shot at Simple Scotty McClelland. The first state out of the gate in the anti-abortion steeplechase was South Dakota, with Mississippi following hot on its heels. Now, rounding out the top three comes Louisiana. This is, of course, great news for all the swamp witches and voodoo queens who lost a significant portion of their revenue stream after Roe vs. Wade made abortions legal. Lysol douches are soon to be back on the menu, right next to po'boys and jambalaya, I guar-on-tee. The title of this website is seeming less and less like wishful thinking with every passing day. Wanna see some graffiti artist dude jumping fences and dodging Secret Service goons to spray-tag Air Force One, then explain why he did it? Well sir, you need look no further than here. How this guy isn't in Camp X-Ray yet, I have yet to figure out. Dude has balls of adamantium or something. 20 years after the worst nuclear accident in history, the region surrounding Chernobyl is teeming with life, and is now a nature preserve in all but name. Birds are nesting in the vast, black sarcophagus capping the melt-down site, and the animals there are all too radioactive to eat, but otherwise seem healthy. Hey, maybe full-scale nuclear war won't be so bad! Well, this whole Internet thing was kinda nice while it lasted, wasn't it? Sad that it has to end, but indeed it must. What... you didn't think The Powers That Be could allow it to continue in its current form, did you? In all sincerity, I believe the reason why our culture is on the downslide is because small-minded, politically correct assholes are trying to banish the Flying Spaghetti Monster from our nation's classrooms. Now is the time for Pastafarians to unite and, I don't know... file a lawsuit or something. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY April 19 On this day in 1993, the FBI puts their plan to end the standoff at David Koresh's Branch Davidian Compound into action. At 5:59 in the morning, via megaphone, Koresh and his followers are told that they are under arrest, and to come out peacefully. They are also once again warned to stay out of a central tower where the insertion of tear gas is slated to begin. The previous night's reaction to these warnings was to hold children up to the windows, as well as signs that read: "Flames Await." At 6:02, two FBI combat engineering vehicles begin inserting gas into the compound. At 6:04, the Davidians start shooting. At 7:30, a CEV breaches the front side of the building on the first floor, injecting more gas. At 9:30, another CEV begins enlarging the opening in the front of the building, and a third CEV breaches the rear of the building, creating openings from which the FBI hoped cult-members would escape. At seven minutes past noon, the Davidians are seen starting fires throughout the compound. At 12:12, negotiators get on the phone and ask Koresh to lead the Davidians out to safety. Nine Davidians flee the compound, and are arrested without incident. Ten minutes later, the sound of gunfire can be heard coming from the compound. At 12:41, fire-trucks begin pumping water on the now rapidly-burning buildings. By mid-afternoon, it was confirmed… 86 corpses, including over a dozen children, lay dead under the rubble of the compound. After 51 days of begging for it, those members of the Branch Davidian Cult remaining in the compound finally managed to succeed in their bid for collective suicide by cop, making themselves martyrs and heroes to right-wing conspiracy theorists and religious fundamentalist nutcases in the process. In the early morning of 1995, enraged by the conflagration at Waco two years earlier, Timothy McVeigh drives a rented Ryder truck up to the north side of the A.P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City. At 9:02, a huge fuel-bomb in the back of the truck detonates, collapsing the north face of the building, and snuffing out the lives of 168 unsuspecting souls, including many children who had just been dropped off at the building's daycare center. On this day in 1999, two other would-be heroes to the disenfranchised and dispossessed prepare to carve a place for themselves in history the only way they imagine they possibly can. Yer old pal Jerky has often wondered if Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold slept easy the night before they walked into sleepy Littleton's Columbine High School and unleashed a massacre of never-before-seen proportions on their classmates, killing 12 of them, plus a teacher, and ultimately, themselves.

THEY SAID IT! "These machines are a problem. This is not some Internet conspiracy; this is a serious problem that faces American democracy. These machines are not reliable and they shouldn't be used. We should not be using machines in this country where the results of the vote can't be verified after the fact. Period. Any machines." - DNC Chairman, Howard Dean, 4/19/06 *** **** *** "This is a time for heresy. American democracy is threatened by perversions of money, power, and religion. Money has bought our elections right out from under us. Power has turned government of, by, and for the people into the patron of privilege. And Christianity and Islam have been hijacked by fundamentalists who have made religion the language of power, the excuse for violence, and the alibi for empire. We must answer the principalities and powers that would force on America a stifling conformity. Either we make the heretical choices that will inspire us to renew our commitment to America's deepest values and ideals, or the day will come when we will no longer recognize the country we love." - Bill Moyers keeps saying all the right things, and it never makes a dent.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Wally! Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Zod the Great for sending in today's second joke. President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy." Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy." Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by XeNo GeAr... Three little ducks go into a Bar... "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice, " said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey, " came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "I'm Puddles."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE PRICE OF OIL IS NOT GOING DOWN ANY TIME SOON care of: Steve Hey Jerky - I'm writing regarding a mail by "David" wherein he suggested that oil would drop to $40 per barrel sometime soon, based on some random bits of info that he thought fit together well. I know that you personally know better, but I figured I'd take this opportunity to explain a few things that might help make sense of the oil situation for everyone. First, Steve Forbes is right, but not in the way that David assumes. Sky-high oil prices are "temporary" and will indeed come down, but this won't happen until the technologies now being developed for Iceland, Sweden, and a few other countries that are trying to move beyond oil as an energy source/storage medium are developed on a large scale. That will happen eventually, simply because necessity is the mother of invention. Forbes is also right that the widespread implementation of these technologies will cause a collapse in the oil industry (by oil industry I mean oil drilling and support services, oil refining, oil transporting, oil distribution, petrochemicals, and all related industries). That's why the crash associated with this massive shift in the world economy will rival the dot-com crash. Just like Henry Ford's assembly line devastated the buggy-making, poop-scooping, and horseshoe-manufacturing industries, our current behemoths will be rocked to their foundations. That doesn't mean that oil will sell for $40 a barrel next week. In fact, rational analysts the world over have long assumed that we will never actually "run out" of oil, but instead we will shift to a replacement technology that will drastically reduce demand for oil, thereby dropping the price to levels not seen since the 19th century. Also, David's reference to BP's reserve depletion projections are not meaningful in the way that he thinks. 50 years is not long in an industry that develops $10 billion infrastructure on a regular basis. Not to mention the fact that every industry projection ever made always projects how long reserves are expected to last based on CURRENT CONSUMPTION levels. That is a meaningless projection. Consumption rates are going to grow, obviously, so of course a reasonable person understands that 50 years is an unbelievably optimistic projection. Not to mention that if we're going to run out completely in 50 years (or even 100 years), we're going to be in some serious shit a lot sooner than that. My favorite line in his short piece, however, is when he takes a prediction by Daniel Yergin that companies and states will build up massive stockpiles of oil and then cites this as evidence that oil production has not peaked/is not about to peak. I'd advise anyone interested in the true implications of this phenomenon to read The Prize, written by (astonishingly enough) Daniel Yergin. In this informative book, Yergin explains why groups build up stockpiles of oil during times of high price and scarce supply. Governments do it because they need fuel for their war machines, and they don't want to worry about running out of it. Oil companies do this for two main reasons. First, they typically have a downstream refining or transportation capacity to fill, and they lose money if their refineries or ships sit idle for lack of oil feedstock. Thus they want to ensure the operability of their investments as securely as they can. Secondly, the oil companies are wholly unconcerned by high prices since they can pass the extra costs on to their downstream customers. They actually make MORE money when the prices are higher since they usually take their profit in a percentage of sales rather than a dollar per barrel form. At least, the smart ones do that. Anyone find it curious that we saw all of the oil majors reporting the largest profits ever recorded in the history of mankind during the past year, even with oil prices at record highs? They don't make more profit IN SPITE of the high prices, they make more profit BECAUSE OF the high prices. This all leads us to an obvious set of conclusions: 1. Oil prices will remain high for the foreseeable future. They may drop a bit from time to time, but rest assured our days of $1/gallon gasoline and $40/bbl oil are securely behind us. How do we know this to be true? It benefits those who control the supply chain, so of course it's going to continue. In my opinion, one of the most embarassing failures of the groups opposed to our current military adventures is that they do not understand the true significance of Iraqi oil and how TPTB are using it. More important than our future control of Iraqi oil reserves is the current absence of Iraqi oil production, caused by our invasion. It's another method of transferring wealth from the many to the few, and it's been wholly absent from most discussion about the motivations for war (which, let's face it, resulted in many mechanisms for shifting wealth from the many to the few). 2. At some point in the multi-decadal future there will be an economic collapse of the oil industry (possibly including other hydrocarbon industries as well) that will devastate ignorant investors (mostly the people with a 401k, mutual funds, and pension funds). Everyone with tons of money and half a brain will have pulled their money out long before the warning signs become apparent to the rest of us, and they'll be getting rich owning and controlling the next big technology/industry. 3. The profits and capital pulled from the oil or hydrocarbon industries will be invested in the future replacement technologies and industries. These technologies will work in a way not too dissimilar from the current system. There will be centralized power structures that dominate or control the supplies of energy. This is obvious because the infrastructure will be developed by people interested in profit and control. They have the capital and desire to do it, and that is really all that is needed to dominate an economic sector. (well, having a few governments in the pocket never hurts) Anyhow, Jerky, I just wanted to say thanks for keeping the Dirt going through your bouts of writer's block, discouragement, and despair. I can't express what a relief it's been that you've come back into full swing on the Dirt. You're an inspiration and a very entertaining person. Keep up the good work, and thanks again. You're doing a heckuva job, Jerky. - YOP Steve [You're too kind, Steve. Thanks for the informative rant! - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOPJ; Just an idea, but wouldn't this be a great time to run Farenheit 9-11 as a free TV movie, now that everyone's perceptions of this nut-cake war has changed? Think of all the previous fence-sitters who would be willing to see the movie, especially before the elections this fall. Jim [A couple prime-time network airings of that flick might make a difference. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Here is a story of how things are or have changed since the Pentagon instituted its new policy of using the National Guard as the backbone of the ground forces. The way things are now, what will the future hold if we don't get new recruits? Who is going to fill that role? Where do we get troops to fill the void if we have a situation occur at home when they are needed? Disillusionment and frustration are boiling over at every turn within the guard. YOP, Bob [I hear that they're going to be calling up the Salvation Army, next. - Jerky] *** **** *** Ask yourself, Must you make this trip? While the young wait for Bush the oil man to save them. WE old folks should bring back the gas saving of WWII. STAY HOME don't go any where this summer. Don't go to the store 4 or 5 times a week go once. This is grass roots. If we use less the price will come down. Park your R.V. gas hog and stay home this summer. You don't need to go anywhere... RASTY [Pretty soon, it won't be a choice most of us will be able to make. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Jerky, Take this FREE fun filled fifty questions, here. As they say; Knowledge is Bliss! SINcerely, Sjohn [That was fun. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I was doing some research on Iran in regards to the simmering dispute with the USG and stumbled across what may be the true reason why an embargo would NEVER be a consideration, why the USG is really threatening Iran with force, why the USG invaded Iraq and why Dubya uttered those two infamous words "mission accomplished". If this article about the Iranian Oil Bourse is true, it would answer a lot of questions and raise a lot more deeper and darker ones. Tell me what you think. Thanks and Happy Birthday (very much belated). YOPGessier [Thank'ee. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerkwad, Just saw this in Vanity Fair. Carl Bernstein is after another Republican "emperor". One of the best laid out arguments for investigation/censure/impeachment I've seen. Sic em Carl!!! YOPTamago_san [Can't wait to read it! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, Got a lil story for ya that ya might like... I was a soldier in the 101st abn from 78 til 81 then a MP in the reserves til 83. Well while I was in I received a very painful back injury... but being the good lil robot I dealt with it thru painkillers and went on with my life. only once did I ask VA to help, held a good job and worked my way to the American dream, well it has become a nightmare... found out 5 years ago I have a genetic trait that is killing me and since it is pre-existing can't get insurance. Well they tell me i have to have a very expensive IV once a week to stay alive!!! So a friend suggested I go to the VA since I already had a claim in 83 for my back maybe they can help. So they tell me bring all my info and come over which I do they fill out paperwork I sign and hey they are gonna take care of me!! well 2 years later I get a paper telling me I make too much money and they are kicking me out and they want their money back...now I aqm waiting to see if they take everything I worked for my whole life because some friggin paper shuffler fudged my papers to make his job easier!! Let ya know how it comes out!! It just amazes me how after Nam when they couldn't get anyone to enlist the ones that did got no benefits and no GI bill and now we are swept under the rug when we need help!! I was in Egypt for months during the Iran crisis but they wouldn't let us take care of it then... maybe all this shit wouldn't be happening today if Daddy Bush had stayed out of it and let us do our jobs instead of sellin us down the river!! Tim The Big Reds [Hindsight is 2012. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com