THE BIG BOOK OF "DUH!!!" / ENGAGE SARCASM / Hey, did you hear the latest? Karl Rove was apparently involved in outing a CIA agent on behalf of an angry White House! The Preznit's own right-hand man! Sheesh! Isn't that the most incredible thing you've ever heard in your life?! Unbelievable, maaan... Must be a put-on. Bill Gates is a thieving billionaire nerd whose latest incarnation of Windows is nothing but a cheap knockoff of the Mac OS? Poppycock, says I! Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is intimately involved with illegal torture?! Now that's just crazy. Where do the media come up with this crazy crap?! The latest flare-up in the immigration "debate" is all about keeping illegal labor plentiful and unskilled wages low? Say it ain't so, born-again everyman Lou Fucking Dobbs! Say it ain't so!!! You say Creepy Veepy Dick Cheney took advantage of tax "charity" loopholes designed to help victims of Hurricane Katrina by giving to charities that had nothing to do with helping the victims of Hurricane Katrina?! There must be some kind of mistake! Nobody can possibly be that evil, selfish and stupid! So let me get this straight… they're positing that the combination of pig-headed obstinacy, spiteful anti-intellectualism and true-believing absolutist dogmatism is a BAD thing in a world leader? You say the infamous "16 words" were fake, and that The Powers That Be knew it all along?! No way, dude! That's just another one of those liberal Jedi mind tricks! The dishonest number-games used by today's politicians to disguise the increasingly untenable budgetary situation are becoming even more confusing, dishonest and potentially disastrous than those from days of yore? Noooo… that can't possibly be! / DISENGAGE SARCASM / Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY April 17 On this day in 1961, in a massive covert operation that remains, at best, poorly understood, one thousand four hundred CIA-trained Cuban exiles land in the Bay of Pigs, ostensibly in an abortive attempt to overthrow Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. Depending on which version of reality you believe - the officially approved version or one of the myriad competing alternative versions - this failed coup either led directly to JFK's assassination by Castro supporter Lee Harvey Oswald, or it led indirectly to his assassination by the CIA as revenge for JFK's refusal to be forced into providing air support for a military action the Executive branch had no part in planning. On this day in 1986, IBM announces it will commence the manufacture of the first ever computers using the megabit memory chip, which is capable of storing more than one million bits of electronic data, thereby bringing us out of the age of ascii nudes, which led directly to the era of masturbation-worthy computer porn.

THEY SAID IT! "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense." - Preznit Dubya, self-declared "War Preznit" and Decider-in-Chief. *** **** *** "I could eat a baby through the bars of a crib." - So sayeth the Donald Rumsfeld character from a new play, entitled Stuff Happens.

JOKES! Today's jokes were sent in by McTubers! Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate". Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD. Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic. Yo mama's so stupid, she uses Old Spice for cooking. Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo. Yo mama's so stupid, the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked her two front teeth. Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she could get food stamps at the post office. Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics." Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes. Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Jan N... Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blond lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!" Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: ARAM OVERLOAD!!! care of: Aram Three astronauts syrupticiously blasted off this morning atop NASA's super-secret Space Subtle. *** **** *** I have a friend who lives in Amsterdam. He painted his house-boat (a necessity if you insist on living *below* sea level). He did not, however, use Dutch Boy Paint. Now he's in big trouble. I will cut off all contact with him until this blows over. I've already burned all his e-mails. He replied by saying he's using Old Dutch Cleanser ("chases dirt" ... remember the label?) to remove the foreign paint. He expects to soon be able to renew his residence visa. *** **** *** For you viewers of The Simpsons, there was an episode where the family is walking down a street in Springfield. They hear gun-fire, but Marge says, "It's just the Italians." They continue walking. *** **** *** Do Marathon runners have "Relentless Leg Syndrome"? *** **** *** I keep seeing reports on the TV that scientists are looking at the polar regions of the Moon and Mars as possible sources of frozen water. That makes sense here on Earth where the onliest place you'll find ice would be the polar regions and Minneapolis. The Moon and Mars are not the Earth. On those two heavenly bodies the temperature ranges from minus a million at the equator to minus two million at the poles. You don't have to go to their polar regions to find ice. If their polar regions appear to have an ice-cap which waxes and wanes during their year, where is the resulting liquid water? In the case of the Moon with its low gravity, liquid water would probably just evaporate into space. Just as the Chinese General said upon hearing that he was losing 10 of his men to one Japanese, "Pretty soon no more Japanese." *** **** *** Liquid water from Mars is being investigated as a cure for Restless Leg Syndrome. God bless those researchers. *** **** *** I just thought of a sinister plot. Slip some RLS pills into Michael Flatley's drink before a Lord of the Dance performance. *** **** *** If my Amsterdam friend lived on Mars, he'd find a spot *below* sea level to settle down. *That's* where we should look for liquid water. *** **** *** Speaking about rain (actually, we weren't), it's rained 38 outa the last 45 days here in sunny California. My last cat, Neptune Zimmerman, would sit on my desk between my arms, put his paw on my arm and say, "Daddy, you can do anything. Please make the rain stop." *** **** *** I often confuse the word "muslim" with "mushroom" with hilarious results. Like, they both start out with "mus" and end with an "m". The "h" has a vertical stroke as does an "l". The "roo" presents a problem. *** **** *** The other day my girl-friend came over for a visit. She was gonna take her puppy for a walk. She stepped down one stair to get outside, and her knee snapped. The next day we went to the hospital. It's a large facility, so I got her a wheel-chair. Picture it - she's sitting there with a walking cane I gave her across her lap. I'm behind her and pushing. Remember, I'm legaly blind, and I'm piloting a wheel-chair through crowds of people. Oops, sorry about that. She held my white cane on her lap also. There were a few people in front of the wheel-chair desk. I organized a NASPUSH. Hilarity ensued.Y'know, like NASCAR for wheelchairs. NASPUSH!! *** **** *** You'd hafta agree that the last thing you throw into a waste-paper basket should end up on the top of the heap. I have years of evidence that the last thing you throw in will somehow end up on the *bottom* of the heap. *** **** *** OK. They've got that idiot in jail - Moussoui. Now they want to kill him. He never did anything. He may or may not have been the designated 20th hijacker, but he didn't get onto any of those planes on 9/11. Now they're playing tapes of the final moments of Flight 93 to the jurors. Yes, we know that 93 went down. We know that many innocent people died. Moussoui was in jail at the time. This whole trial and potential execution is just a "feel good" exercise. *** **** *** I have one thing to say - the Moon is smaller than the Earth, but it's so much farther away. Think about that. *** **** *** Why is using steroids a bad thing? I know it's not good for your health, but neither is booze or tobacco or junk food. If you're already an athlete, you can go to the gym and become stronger. If you take a drug to get stronger faster, what's the harm? If nobody else gets hurt, so what? I guess I'm a Libertarian at heart. *** **** *** When I was a kid, I sang in a church choir. They eventually told me to leave. It wasn't because my voice was changing. It was the Tourette Syndrome. Blessed be the Father, the Son and FUCKYOUALL. *** **** *** You've all seen those little yellow pencils used for scoring golf. They're about three inches long. There's almost no way to resharpen those things, so they get throw out after a short while. Somehow, this seems evil - to make something that's gonna be thrown out. *You* couldn't make a little yellow pencil. All these idiots running around the third world with machine guns don't have an industrial base in their country capable of making *one* little yellow pencil. *** **** *** A couple of months ago I pointed out to a friend that I've had the same bulb in my hall fixture for the last 27 years. I shoulda known better. A few days later it burned out. I replaced it with a similar bulb - 60W GE. It just burned out after a week. I guess the bulb God is gonna make up for lost time. *** **** *** Didja know that Tony Blair is gonna join the Carlyle Group when he's thrown outa office? You know what the Carlyle Group is? It's the war-profiteering company GHWB sits on. The group which did business with the Nazis during WW2. The group which has become obscenely wealthy because of Iraq. The HDQRS of the Bush Crime Family. I heard that a Democrat slogan's gonna be "Had Enough?" *** **** *** While jogging, I met a Vietnamese woman. I asked her name. She said it couldn't be pronounced, so she reached into her hat-band, got a piece of paper and wrote ^*^~'~. I said those were all diacritical marks. She agreed. I asked why she couldn't pronounce it. She said that if she told me, she'd have to kill me. We continued jogging. Btw, a pencil was also in her hat-band for those of you who pay attention to details. *** **** *** I saw a crawl on the TV which said there was a "power outrage" in DC. That didn't surprise me one bit. - Aram Author of "Fun With Your Infirmities" FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky, you know, you can't talk about Iraqi history to your students in regards to Saddam Hussein without mentioning his rise to power. And if you mention his rise to power, then you'll have to mention the USG. Ok, well, you can still talk about the major events during his tenure, right? Nah, USG. Maybe it's best to just delete 35 years of Iraqi history. At some time in the future when someone realizes that a generation is missing from the history books, they can always re-write some vanilla-flavored, non-offensive fiction to fill in the gap. Ya know, the ink's not dry on their constitution and already they're practicing the art of deceit by omission to protect the guilty. Seems like I've seen this tactic somewhere before, hmmm, let me think. YOPGessier [Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to steal a bunch of oil and shit. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey, Jerky: Here's a cute little riddle fer ya: what goes in hard and dry, and comes out soft and wet? If you said "a dick", then that proves that you have a dirty mind. The real answer is a stick of chewing gum. Gotcha. Meanass Bitch [Dude, why ask a riddle if you're just going to give away the answer, anyway? - Jerky] *** **** *** MOP Jerky, I keep reading about the Iranian stockpiling nuclear arms and openly threatening Israel and I have a new conspiracy theory: The Bush Crime family sets up an Iranian government that will openly threaten America and Israel so that when Bush decides to invade, there will be less to debate since we can't say they aren't a threat because they have the arms and have openly threatened us. YOP Sherm [It sure seems convenient for that guy to come along and be so looney, after Iran being so quiet for so long. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, here's an amuzing little op-ed piece you might enjoy! YOPGessier [Funny... I remember enjoying it, but not what it was about. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky - Hey, have you seen this thing where Ann Coulter apparently broke the law by filing a voting registration with a fake address? Apparently, she might be in a bit of hot water over it, but that's not the best part... A gay advocacy site found while perusing the resgistration form that Ann neglected to mark off the box for gender (i.e., male or female), which caused the site to remark that this certainly raises more questions about whether or not she is actually a he... HA-ha! Honestly, though, check out the size of the Adam's apple on that cunt - that's a man, baby! jack [Too rich! - Jerky] *** **** *** Happy birthday dear jerky etc etc... taken as sung 3 cheers... done break open the booze... being done now! another year, another pot of dollars for some of us. hope this finds you happy and healthy, ready for a few more years in front of the screen. Hows your eyesight - six years of this has made me money but fucked my eyes, its glasses to read anything now. all the best jerky... tranq [Thanks mang. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, Check it out. Now, while your TV is turned off, you could: Go to the Library or a Local Bookstore, Start a garden, Write a Letter, Take a Walk, a Swim, or a Bicycle Ride, Ice-skate, rollerskate or Roller-Blade, Get the news from the radio or Newspaper, Start a Journal or Diary, Make a Scrapbook or Photo Album, Cook a Meal with Family or Friends, Make paper bag costumes and have a parade, Play hopscotch, hide & seek, or freeze-tag, Learn about the native trees and flowers in your area, Go fishing, hunting &/or hiking, Play a Game, Go to the Range with Friends & Family, Watch the clouds, Look at the Stars, Tutor a Child, Attend Local Plays & Sports Events, Listen to Music, Do Yardwork or Household Repairs, Sign Up for a Class, Sit Down for Coffee (or Tea) & Conversation, Make a friendship bracelet, Visit the zoo, Go to a museum, Study sign-language, Climb a tree, etc. Black Dog [Seeing as my cable was recently cut off for non-payment of bills, I think I'll just jerk off, like I normally do. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com